But no, they’ll probably just have some kids find a spooky one or something. I’d love it if View Master went ballsy and committed to just being still images of a random episode of Star Trek paused for a few minutes at a time up on the screen like a slideshow. View Master was a little headset to stare at 3-D photographs in, like VR with JPEGs. Also, you can play a Draw Four on a Draw Four to stack it to the next player. They’ll probably do some Jumanji-inspired thing. How exactly do you adapt a card game best known for making people argue? Beats me. I think I’d rather eat a deck of cards than sit through some Flamin’ Hot bullshit about the guys that made up UNO. Maybe I should learn to code or work on cars or something. I can’t get anyone to read my screenplay, but they’re out here giving movies to balloons. There’s definitely a story there, but when you think about it, damn, they gave this balloon a movie. This one is just some heart warming true story about a girl tying a wish list to a balloon and some lovely couple finding it and hooking her up.

Yes, I know that a lot of these have specific writers, directors, or actors attached to them that I don’t mention here, and that’s fine. I’ve ranked them all based on how well I think they lend themselves to being turned into movies. There’s a recently released list of 14 properties Mattel is planning on following up Barbie with, and to be frank, it’s largely pretty absurd. Barbie is this decade’s Iron Man, which means somewhere around the time the fourth DOA Fantastic Four movie arrives we’ll also be up to our sweet asses in movies based on toys and getting sick of it.

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